I’m a student so my life functions in three month intervals with some space in between. This one has had a couple of Weird clouds hanging over it. This is a bit about thinking back and also about looking forward – so basically exactly what New Years is (duh eve)
Just as I was coming back to university all the Harvey Weinstein stuff started coming out. I haven’t spoken very publicly about any of this, even to my very small following, because it all feels a bit much.
still too wary to talk, still wanting to support, still feeling vulnerable, still needing some kind of reassurance, still feeling rage, still feeling inevitability, still detaching, still cutting myself off from it
I spoke to my mum about it a bit. I have had a few tentative online chats about it. Don’t want to get stuff wrong, but still it feels like the cloud has gotten heavier. That sounds…really bad. What I think I mean is, it’s always been in my thoughts. It’s always been in lots of people’s thoughts because it’s everyday and everywhere. Now it’s in Guardian articles and hashtags. Not a bad thing. Just a heavier, denser cloud.
The rain is coming
So I’ve really felt that cloud this term. It’s on my phone every single day. When I lost my phone for a while, it didn’t leave, but I did stop seeing it. And even though my mental health hit rock bottom, at least for a moment the tweeting and the articles and the debates and the misogyny was hidden. When I came back to it, I felt more angry, and more capable.
I feel, a little bit, powerful. I feel, a lot, empowered. I feel, most of all, supported.
I filter my feed so that there’s no cis men.
It’s the rest of us.
And we all love each other so much.
I see folk who I look up to, and have done for this whole year
Maddy, Meg, Lyn, Vicky, Ava, Emily, Alice, Anna, Clara, Helen, Joesph, Evie, Ella, Mitski, Anya, Alice, Kate, Safura, Kia Yee, Anna, Lilith, Florence, Esme, Steffi, Ellice, Hebe, Bryony, Emma, Cara, Helen, Hetty, Arifa, Gabbi, Kath, Charlotte, Hannah, Amy, Stella, Olivia, Selina, Zarina, Gabrielle, Leanne, Meg, Ciara, Annie, Izzy
We are a collective forcefield. Lots of those names don’t know who I am – that’s okay. It’s about visibility. I think.
This is messy. I hope I don’t make anyone angry – this is one of those posts that feels fragile. Feels tired. Sorry if it’s not quite right.
But then there’s also like another, brighter cloud which tails off of the heavy one. I think because of the people who have come forward about being assaulted and harassed, I have learned to look at the women and non binary people in my life and love them a whole lot more, and learn from them, and admire them, and be there for them, and open myself up to them a bit more
I am constantly filled with pride when I look at all of them. Even if they are far more successful than me, and run theatres and magazines and write plays. I’m proud of myself too. I published at least one blog post every month this year. I’ve never done that before!
I’ve also gone through some real shit since September. I dipped super low, and then I came back out of it. I’ve hurt people but I have also been hurt. What goes around comes around. I let myself be vulnerable in ways I haven’t let myself be before – I’m still learning when that’s useful and when it’s damaging. It’s a slow process. It’s a growing cloud.
I am also very lucky. I know that. Will never not know that. I hope next year I can give and help and promote better.
Allow communication. Cut out negative people. Allow forgiveness. Take no shit. Value yourself. Raise each other up. Give back. Take time. Be generous. Share carefully.
This isn’t meant to be life-affirming.
Good and Bad eh. Have done and written some of my best stuff this year – theatrical and not theatrical. In 2018 I will improve and grow along with everyone beside me. I absolutely hate New Years, but this felt needed. It’ll probably be mostly the same next year. I’m excited to see new shows and listen to new music (Vampire Weekend LP4 LETS GO) and write new plays and blog posts
Okay cool, this is cheesy and shit now but !! Cathartic.
See ya in 2018